Tea Anyone?

.
I see all the Tea Party signs, and they make me think: Maybe being a Tea Partier is easier than being a liberal.

If nothing else, being a Bagger sounds like more fun. I could just give in to my basest instincts; simply let the reptilian portion of my brain take over--without a drop of conscience or reason to take the edge off my bare-toothed anger. Why, I could wallow in hate and terror.

Hate is easy. Tea Partiers hate government, taxes, regulation, immigrants, homosexuals, non-Christians, liberals, The World Cup, Jon Stewart, environmentalists, Democrats, Ted Kennedy’s corpse, Bill Clinton’s penis and anyone who doesn't resemble the Pillsbury dough boy. They despise bailouts, entitlement programs (except Social Security and Medicare), Obamacare, The Departments of Everything that is NOT about killing, gun control, lawyers, lack of school prayer, and news that isn’t “fair and balanced.”

Any standard Tea Party enthusiast holds certain truths to be self-evident:

I am finished with anything that requires me to think, reason or care about anyone but ME. My family is struggling, and instead of blaming the guy who laid me off, I blame the blacks, and/or the Mexicans. Or maybe the French (I’m sure they’re involved somehow). The Central Bank or the government.

I’m white, middle class in upbringing, and educated. My dad and mother both worked 16 hours a day.

I hate unions. Unions went bad after they created things like workplace safety, paid vacations, and sick days. They killed business by driving it overseas.

My ancestors came to this country legally. Even the one brought here from England to work on a Georgia plantation as a prisoner. Why should I have to push #1 for English?

Business regulates itself. The Market knows what it’s doing. It’ll fix the Gulf.

God knows that Kenyan in the White House can't. He’s too busy giving back parts of our border states to Mexico and plotting the demise of our nation with his Muslim, commie, socialist, Nazi cohorts.

Hell, the common good isn’t necessary. It’s a liberal construct to pry my hard earned money from my work-weary hands. Theft. Plain and simple. Besides, who needs all those police, firefighters, public schools, libraries and hospitals? Liberals don’t even believe in the American Dream anyway.

So what if my check bounces? It’s a win/win. The bank gets another $33 from me. The bank loves those little $33 bonuses from my account!

Contrast that with liberals. Liberals are always pushing folks out of a white, privileged comfort zone. Peace, love and understanding too much? Well, you should at least “tolerate,” if not appreciate everyone. Even Muslims. And the French. The French for god’s sake? That’s asking a lot.

Hey, I love the ease of Tea Party message.

Yeah, I could totally get into this way of thinking. Just give me a lobotomy, a pair of Sarah Palin glasses to wink over, a FaceBook page, and a TV tuned to Fox News.

Tea anyone?
.